Do You Seek Validation for FOOD or FUEL?
What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - Emerson
Validation as a feedback mechanism is a great way to signal us when we are off-track toward a desired result. However, many of us choose to use it as emotional food, a short term satisfying of the ego until it is time to find the next meal.
Many years ago, I was concerned my son’s recreational basketball-ball team might not have a coach, so I reluctantly agreed to take the job. I say reluctant because I was intimidated at how seriously other coaches went about building their teams. I rationalized that while I was busy working for a living, they spent entire days plotting to get the best players and “stacking their teams” specifically to humiliate me. I decided not to get caught in this victim mindset and instead focus on the kids having fun and learning the game.
We did not have a good season, only winning one of ten games. But I did get to spend more time with my son and the parents seemed appreciative of my effort. The following season we had a much better record, winning half of our games. I started to build a reputation as a good coach. In our third season everything came together; we lost one game and won two playoff games.
After a playoff win, the opposing coach shook my hand and complimented me on my team, sending me off on a daydream about how special I was. In three seasons, I had taken a group of inexperienced players and built them into a competitive team. I started calculating my chances at being named coach of the year. I wondered if the fame from the award would help me recruit bigger and better players for future teams. My daydream ended abruptly when I overheard the coach tell a parent “coaches like him love to stack their teams!” The coach accused me of the same thing I had accused others of in the past!
That did not feel good, but what went wrong? Wasn’t I trying to do the right thing? Didn’t I have good intentions? Wasn’t my plan of teaching the kids to play basketball achieved in the end?
I realized that I had accepted my building accolades as validation of me rather than of my intention to help the kids. In this context you can move from feeling good to feeling bad in a matter of seconds. Validation is significantly grounded in ego and it works the entire spectrum of personal aggrandizement to personal diminishment. If my goal is to build the best team so others can see how great I am, ego will egg me on. If my fear is that “I am not good-enough to compete with other coaches”, ego will confirm it.
I lost sight of the reason I chose to coach – the kids needed one and I was capable enough to fill the need. Beyond that, I genuinely enjoy seeing kids learn and develop new skills. Joy is what fueled me when I had to rush through traffic to run practices, or explain to kids how to handle loss, or mentor them to be respectful of others in victory. All the joy dissipated when I started seeking more and more recognition for myself.
Validation as FUEL gets us over the ups and downs of the roads we navigate, and it sustains us even when recognition is sparse. Validation as FOOD means everyone else decides when we eat.
Jess Villegas: CEO, Business Performance Consultant, Leadership Mentor